Max's Musings
by Sonam
Summary: Max does some thinking.


Disclaimer: If I owned it, it'd be on air, a lot better, with a bunch of nuns on my scriptwriting team, 'cos they're better than the actual ones.

A/N 1: Just something that was stuck in my head.

A/N 2: A sequel of sorts to My First Real Valentine. But can be read as a standalone.

A/N 3: If there are any mistakes, don't blame me. Instead offer to do my beta work.

* * *

Ten years. Ten long years. I spent all this time running away from Manticore. Hiding. Trying to find my family in this broken world. Trying to find a place among these people. Trying to find myself. What I didn't realize was that I was running away from myself. Hiding from the person I was. I am. I never realized that I was trying to find what I had left behind I'd left everything I'd known. My home, my home, my people, _Me_.

I tried to be a normal human being. But I could ever forget that I was a transgenic. I could never accept it either. I always cribbed about being a transgenic. But I still kept using my abilities for my own needs. I still even thanked god sometimes that I wasn't human. Although I never believed in god and knew that he didn't have anything to do with it. I kept hanging on to a dream. A dream where all my problems would just go away. Where I would be accepted with open arms. Nobody would be scared of what I am or what I did or what I could do.

I thought Logan was the one. For the longest time, I believed that he loved me for who I am. For what I am. But that dream was soon shattered. When I finally opened my eyes to see what Logan really was. He didn't love me. He loved the idea of me. He loved the idea that a beautiful genetically enhanced girl like me needed him. I was like a toy to him. Someone who was broken. Searching for herself. He wanted to be the one to make me whoever I would be so that he could tell everyone what I was and what he made of me. Why didn't I notice it earlier? He always tried to tell me right from wrong. What I should do. How I should do it.

But by the time I realized what he was doing, it was too late. Everything that was familiar to me was gone. I'd lost my home, my siblings, my big brother Zack who always looked out for me. What I hadn't already lost I had pushed away. Namely Alec. He was the first transgenic I'd been around for more than a week in ten years. He reminded me of the person I used to be. The person I really was. He fulfilled a need I had for so long. The need I'd suppressed. The need I didn't even know I had. The need to be around my own kind. He provided me with the family I wanted. I could be myself around him. But it scared me. Ten years of running from Manticore made me believe that it wasn't good to be me. Or was that being around Logan? That being a transgenic can never be a good thing. I associated Manticore with transgenic and transgenic with killers. And Alec was a true blue transgenic. A proud one nonetheless.

But what did I end up being? Now I was neither a transgenic nor a human. Then what am I? I was out to find myself but ended up being nowhere. I was made in a lab; hence I could never be human. But I skipped out on being a transgenic when I ran away. When Alec tried to show me what I am, I told him that I wasn't like him. What am I like then? I thought that my siblings were like me. But I was wrong. They didn't try to be something they weren't. Zack told me that they had escaped from Manticore for the need of a better life, not because we weren't like them. Because we thought there was something better out there. That doesn't mean we're not who we were. We were always going to be transgenics. Nothing we did could ever change that. Why would we want to change that anyway? We were better than most people.

I was always happy with whoever I was. I just wasn't happy with the fact that I was being hunt down like an animal. But Logan made me believe that being a transgenic wasn't always a good thing. Just like stealing wasn't a good thing unless it was for his own good. Being a transgenic wasn't good unless he needed my abilities for his so-called saving-the world missions. I thought we had a deal. I would help him in his missions while he would help me find my family. But soon after Manticore was burned down, he hated me going off at the spur of the moment to help my extended family. Always said that they were not my responsibility. That I shouldn't put myself in danger for them. Danger my ass. What about all those times he sent me for those EO missions to unsecured locations. Weren't they dangerous? Why did it take me such a long time to see what a self-righteous hypocritical asshole he was.

Nevertheless despite everything that had happened, the transgenics accepted me with open arms. They even accepted me as their leader. I'd never so afraid in my life. The responsibility of a nation on my shoulders. I didn't think I was fit. I had bailed out on them ten years ago. I didn't know what it was like there for them. What if I failed them? The blood of more than two thousand transgenics would be on my hand. I wanted to tell them that I wasn't the right person for the job. That they should pick someone else. Someone who they knew and trusted. But Alec prevented me from doing so. He told me that he trusted me. He made me believe that I could do this. He constantly helped me in doing all the right things, taking the correct decisions, making the necessary choices. He believed in me and stood by me throughout everything, the good and the bad. He was my pillar of support.

I can't believe he did all this for me. Even after the way I treated him, he didn't look at me like I was a lost cause. I always thought he was a lost cause. So I always treated him badly. Never gave him credit for anything he did. I didn't think he could do anything right. Once a killer, always a killer. What I forgot was that that I had killed too. I had killed that anomaly when I was barely nine and had taken great pleasure in doing so. Hell, I had killed my own brother with my bare hands. I had tried to justify what I'd done by saying that he was psychotic and was killing people. That he was better dead than back at Manticore. But the guilt wouldn't go away. Then who was I tell whether Alec guilty or not? He had done what Manticore had asked, no, ordered him to do. He never had a reason to question them. He had learnt not to question them, just do what they say. Hadn't I done the same thing myself? When Renfro asked me my designation hadn't I told her that I was X5-452 just to escape more torture. Yet I continued to believe that I wasn't like Alec. That Alec was a cold-blooded assassin. Yet he had fought back. He had tried to save Rachel.

He was the first person I'd trusted to tell about Ben. I had been excepting accusations but he surprised me once again. He didn't blame me for Ben's death like I expected him to. But instead he consoled me. Told me to stop feeling guilty about it because I did what I had to do. He even understood my prejudice against him. About why I lash out at him continuously. I think that was the day we took another step towards a better relationship between us. Yet I didn't tell him what I'd told Logan about us. Its not like I didn't trust him. Maybe because I felt guilty. Guilty that I was making him seem like the bad guy so that I didn't have to be. I did what I always do. Run away from what I can't handle.

That's another thing I'm grateful to him for. He taught me to stop running away when things get hard. To learn to face them. To face my worst fears. He made me the leader that I am today. Showed me Logan for what he was. He knew how important my family was to me, so he found them for me. He also gave me the greatest gift one can get. _Love_. He taught me how to love someone with all my heart and soul. He gave me himself to love. He let himself love me even after his bad experience the first time. He trusted me with his once-broken heart.

I never thought that I would ever be thankful to Alec for anything. But today, I am indebted to him for everything.

"Hey"

I turned around.

"What are you thinking about? Wait. Lemme guess. Me."

I smiled. "What makes you think it's you, pretty boy?"

Aah, Maxie, there's nothing else I can think of that can bring such a smile to your face."

"Oh really."

"Yeah. Dontcha think so?" He waggled his eyebrows at me.

I just shook my head, still smiling. He came and put is arms around me from behind. I rested my head on his shoulder. I looked up at him.

"Thanks"

He frowned. "For what?"

"Just because."

He looked at me, confused.

I wanted to laugh at his face. But I did the next best thing. I pulled it down for a kiss.

"So, now you wanna tell me why all the sudden gratitude?" he asked, a little breathless.

"For being you, Alec"


End file.
